Social:Obsessive love

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Short description: Possessiveness and inability to accept disinterest or rejection


Apollo and Daphne, by Gian Lorenzo Bernini. In Greek mythology, Eros is said to have punished Apollo by firing an arrow to make him fall in love with Daphne, and another to make Daphne disgusted with him and flee. The sculpture depicts Daphne turning into a tree to escape the relentless pursuit of Apollo.[1][2]
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Obsessive love is characterized by obsessive or compulsive attempts to possess or control an individual, especially triggered (or even intensified) by rejection.[3] Obsessive love can also be distinguished from other forms of romantic love by its one-sidedness and repulsed approaches.[4] Rejection is the "ultimate nightmare" to an obsessive lover, who can not let go when confronted with disinterest or the loss of a partner.[5] Usually obsessive love leads to feelings of worthlessness, self-destructive behavior and social withdrawal, but in some cases an obsessive lover may monitor or stalk the object of their passion, or commit acts of violence.[3][6]

Most obsessional stalkers who are not delusional had some type of a relationship with their victim (an ex-partner), and have personality disorders.[7][8]

Comparison

The term "obsessive love" may also be compared to other concepts:[9][4]

  • The love style called mania (or manic love): possessive, dependent love. A manic lover is insecure, jealous, and needs reassurances of being loved. A manic lover is unsure of who attracts them, so they may fall in love with somebody they don't even like and project unrealistic qualities onto them.[10][11] Among the other love styles, mania is most closely compared to eros, which is erotic love or love of beauty. An eros lover is also intensely preoccupied with their beloved, but they are self-assured. The eros lover is in search of an ideal, and they tend to fall in love with somebody more appropriate.[10][12][13]
  • Passionate love (or infatuation): the kind of love felt in the early stage of a relationship, or for a potential partner before a relationship has occurred (which can be unrequited).[14][15][16] Passionate love is a state of intense longing for another, which has an obsessional element characterized by intrusive thinking, uncertainty, and mood swings.[14][17] Passionate love is commonly contrasted with companionate love, the gentler feelings of affection or bonding which take more time to develop.[14][15] Passionate love is a relatively broad concept which encapsulates and combines aspects of other more precise taxonomies, but while ignoring their finer distinctions (such as the distinction between eros and mania, which roughly correspond to passionate love when taken together).[18][14][17][19]
  • Limerence: love madness or all-absorbing infatuated love (comparable to passionate love), commonly for an unreachable person.[20][21][9][22] Limerence is said to be "a condition of cognitive obsession" where the person experiencing it spends much of their time fantasizing about their love object (called the "limerent object"), the kind of love Romeo and Juliet felt for each other.[23][21] Limerence can impact day-to-day functioning and mental health.[24] According to the inventor of the term, Dorothy Tennov, limerence is supposed to be viewed as a normal state, and tragedies (e.g. violence or suicide) only seem to happen when limerence is "augmented and distorted" by other conditions.[25][26] Limerence is usually unrequited (resulting in a lovesickness which can be hard to end), but it can be reciprocated.[21][27][28] In cases of mutual limerence (as in Romeo and Juliet), according to Tennov's theory, there must be obstacles to the relationship for the mutual preoccupation to intensify.[29]
  • Love addiction: a proposed disorder involving love relations characterized by severe distress and problematic passion-seeking despite adverse consequences.[30][31] Academics do not currently agree on when love is an addiction, or when it needs to be treated.[32]
  • Obsessive love disorder: an unofficial diagnosis commonly found online, but not in the DSM.[33][34]

Psychology

The problem with obsessive love is not so much a question of loving too intensely, but rather of anger over rejection, or feelings of abandonment.[35] Susan Forward states that in her practice, she found four conditions which helped clarify when somebody is suffering from obsessive love:[36]

  1. They must have a painful, all-consuming preoccupation with a real or wished-for lover.
  2. They must have an insatiable longing either to possess or to be possessed by the target of their obsession.
  3. Their target must have rejected them or be unavailable in some way, either physically or emotionally.
  4. Their target's unavailability or rejection must drive them to behave in self-defeating ways.

— Susan Forward, Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go

Obsessive love may be related to the anxious attachment style.[37] The mania love attitude has been correlated with attachment anxiety, and also the personality trait neuroticism.[38][39] A study using the Passionate Love Scale showed that while passionate love with obsession was associated with relationship satisfaction in short-term relationships, it was associated with slightly decreased satisfaction over time.[17]

In the dualistic model of passion, a distinction is made between two types of passion: harmonious passion (where the person experiencing it feels positive and in control) and obsessive passion (where the person experiencing it feels a loss of control, and it interferes with their life). This is reminiscent of the distinction between the love styles eros (harmonious) and mania (obsessive). One study found that harmonious romantic passion was strongly correlated (positively) with secure attachment, and obsessive romantic passion was moderately correlated (positively) with anxious attachment. Obsessive passion has also been associated with maladaptive conflict resolution strategies in relationships (e.g. criticism, contempt, defensiveness).[40]

Neuroscience

This section is an excerpt from Biology of romantic love § Obsessive thinking[ edit ]
This section is an excerpt from Biology of romantic love § Reward, motivation and addiction[ edit ]
This section is an excerpt from Biology of romantic love § Addiction short[ edit ]

Cultural references

The ancient Greeks called obsessive love "theia mania" (the madness from the gods), and Greek mythology depicted it in stories such as Apollo and Daphne.[10][41]

Obsessive love has been depicted in the movies Fatal Attraction and Play Misty for Me, and the novel Wuthering Heights.[42]

See also

References

  1. ↑ "Apollo & Daphne • The Greek Myth Story of Daphne and Apollo". 30 November 2016. https://greekgodsandgoddesses.net/myths/apollo-and-daphne/. 
  2. ↑ "Apollo Pursuing Daphne". https://www.thecollector.com/apollo-and-daphne/. 
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 Forward & Buck 2002, p. 6-7, 10-12
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 Reis, Harry; Sprecher, Susan (2009), "Obsessive Love", Encyclopedia of Human Relationships (Sage Publishing), doi:10.4135/9781412958479.n379, ISBN 978-1-4129-5846-2, https://sk.sagepub.com/reference/humanrelationships/n379.xml, retrieved 2025-07-20 : "[M]uch like other forms of romantic love, [obsessive love] is accompanied by a motivation to approach a potential partner to fulfill needs for affiliation, closeness, intimacy, attachment, and sex; however, unlike other forms of love, obsessive love is marked by unequal commitment, lack of reciprocation, and repulsed approaches. Obsessive love is similar to infatuation, lust, a 'crush,' and limerence, all of which are viewed as an involuntary and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person."
  5. ↑ Forward & Buck 2002, p. 9
  6. ↑ Millman 2002, pp. 67–68
  7. ↑ "Profile of the Stalker". Campus Advocacy Network. University of Illinois at Chicago. http://www.uic.edu/depts/owa/stalking_profiles.html. 
  8. ↑ Mullen, Paul; Path, Michele; Purcell, Rosemary; Stuart, Geoffrey (1 August 1999). "Study of Stalkers". The American Journal of Psychiatry 156 (8): 1244–1249. doi:10.1176/ajp.156.8.1244. PMID 10450267. 
  9. ↑ 9.0 9.1 Fisher, Helen; Aron, Arthur; Mashek, Debra; Li, Haifang; Brown, Lucy (October 2002). "Defining the Brain Systems of Lust, Romantic Attraction, and Attachment". Archives of Sexual Behavior 31 (5): 413–419. doi:10.1023/A:1019888024255. PMID 12238608. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1023/A:1019888024255. Retrieved 18 February 2024. : "The attraction system is characterized by increased energy and focused attention on a preferred mating partner. In humans, the attraction system (standardly called romantic love, obsessive love, passionate love, being in love, infatuation, or limerence) is also characterized by feelings of exhilaration, 'intrusive thinking' about the love object, and a craving for emotional union with this partner or potential partner."
  10. ↑ 10.0 10.1 10.2 Hatfield & Walster 1985, pp. 38–39
  11. ↑ Lee 1988, pp. 45–47, 51
  12. ↑ Lee 1988, pp. 42–43, 50
  13. ↑ Lee 1977, pp. 88–90
  14. ↑ 14.0 14.1 14.2 14.3 Hatfield, Elaine (1988). The Psychology of Love. Yale University Press. pp. 191–217. ISBN 9780300045895. https://books.google.com/books?id=0ZmURP07dsoC. Retrieved 2024-05-16. 
  15. ↑ 15.0 15.1 Langeslag, Sandra (2024). "Refuting Six Misconceptions about Romantic Love". Behavioral Sciences 14 (5): 383. doi:10.3390/bs14050383. PMID 38785874. 
  16. ↑ Berscheid, Ellen (2010). "Love in the Fourth Dimension". Annual Review of Psychology 61: 1–25. doi:10.1146/annurev.psych.093008.100318. PMID 19575626. https://www.annualreviews.org/content/journals/10.1146/annurev.psych.093008.100318. 
  17. ↑ 17.0 17.1 17.2 Acevedo, Bianca; Aron, Arthur (1 March 2009). "Does a Long-Term Relationship Kill Romantic Love?". Review of General Psychology 13 (1): 59–65. doi:10.1037/a0014226. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1037/a0014226. 
  18. ↑ Tallis 2005, pp. 47–48
  19. ↑ Lee 1998, p. 41
  20. ↑ Beam, Joe (2013) (in en). The Art of Falling in Love. Simon and Schuster. pp. 72, 75. ISBN 978-1-4516-7265-7. https://books.google.com/books?id=0jBi87OOUosC. 
  21. ↑ 21.0 21.1 21.2 Hayes, Nicky (2000), Foundations of Psychology (3rd ed.), London: Thomson Learning, pp. 457–458, ISBN 1861525893 
  22. ↑ Bellamy, Tom (13 September 2025). "Obsessive love explained". https://livingwithlimerence.com/obsessive-love-explained/. 
  23. ↑ Tennov 1999, p. 23, 33, 57
  24. ↑ Chong, Elaine (2021-02-13). "When you can't quit a crush" (in en-GB). The Guardian. ISSN 0261-3077. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/feb/13/when-you-cant-quit-a-crush. 
  25. ↑ Tallis 2005, p. 43
  26. ↑ Tennov 1999, pp. 7, 89–90, 180
  27. ↑ Tennov 1999, pp. 129, 133
  28. ↑ Tennov 1998, p. 79
  29. ↑ Tennov 1999, pp. 44–45, 56–57, 129
  30. ↑ Bolshakova, Maria; Fisher, Helen; Aubin, Henri-Jean; Sussman, Steve (2020-08-31), Sussman, Steve, ed., "Passionate Love Addiction: An Evolutionary Survival Mechanism That Can Go Terribly Wrong", The Cambridge Handbook of Substance and Behavioral Addictions (Cambridge University Press): pp. 262–270, doi:10.1017/9781108632591.026, ISBN 978-1-108-63259-1, https://www.cambridge.org/core/product/identifier/9781108632591%23CN-bp-20/type/book_part, retrieved 2025-06-12 
  31. ↑ "Is love passion an addictive disorder?". Am J Drug Alcohol Abuse 36 (5): 261–7. 2010. doi:10.3109/00952990.2010.495183. PMID 20545601. 
  32. ↑ Earp, Brian D.; Wudarczyk, Olga A.; Foddy, Bennett; Savulescu, Julian (2017). "Addicted to Love: What Is Love Addiction and When Should It Be Treated?" (in en). Philosophy, Psychiatry, & Psychology 24 (1): 77–92. doi:10.1353/ppp.2017.0011. ISSN 1086-3303. PMID 28381923. 
  33. ↑ Ingle, Rhiannon (2025-04-28). "Psychologist reveals what they’d actually diagnose Joe Goldberg with as You season five leaves Netflix viewers confused" (in en-GB). https://uk.style.yahoo.com/psychologist-reveals-d-actually-diagnose-153452432.html. 
  34. ↑ Shah, Yusra (2024-11-01). "Obsessive Love Disorder: Definitions, Causes, Treatment" (in en-US). https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/what-is-obsessive-love-disorder. 
  35. ↑ Millman 2002, p. 67
  36. ↑ Forward & Buck 2002, p. 6
  37. ↑ Derrow, Paula (20 January 2014). "When Normal Love Turns Obsessive". Cosmopolitan. https://www.cosmopolitan.com/entertainment/celebs/news/a5382/when-normal-love-turns-obsessive/. 
  38. ↑ Karandashev, Victor (December 2022). "Adaptive and Maladaptive Love Attitudes". Interpersona: An International Journal on Personal Relationships 16 (2): 158–177. doi:10.5964/ijpr.6283. https://interpersona.psychopen.eu/index.php/interpersona/article/view/6283. 
  39. ↑ Hendrick & Hendrick 2006, p. 156
  40. ↑ Paquette, Virginie; Rapaport, Maylys; St-Louis, Ariane C.; Vallerand, Robert J. (August 2020). "Why are you passionately in love? Attachment styles as determinants of romantic passion and conflict resolution strategies" (in en). Motivation and Emotion 44 (4): 621–639. doi:10.1007/s11031-020-09821-x. ISSN 0146-7239. http://link.springer.com/10.1007/s11031-020-09821-x. 
  41. ↑ "When Eros Met Psyche: Types of Love in Ancient Greece". 12 February 2025. https://www.archaeological.org/when-eros-met-psyche-love-in-ancient-greece/. 
  42. ↑ Millman 2002, pp. 67, 74

Bibliography

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