Social:Obsessive love

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Short description: Possessiveness and inability to accept rejection


Apollo and Daphne, by Gian Lorenzo Bernini. In Greek mythology, Eros is said to have punished Apollo by firing an arrow to make him fall in love with Daphne, and another to make Daphne disgusted with him and flee. The sculpture depicts Daphne turning into a tree to escape the relentless pursuit of Apollo.[1][2]
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Obsessive love is characterized by obsessive or compulsive attempts to possess or control an individual, especially triggered (or even intensified) by rejection.[3] Obsessive love can also be distinguished from other forms of romantic love by its one-sidedness and repulsed approaches.[4] Rejection is the "ultimate nightmare" to an obsessive lover, who can not let go when confronted with disinterest or the loss of a partner.[5]

Usually obsessive love leads to feelings of worthlessness, self-destructive behavior and social withdrawal, but in some cases an obsessive lover may monitor or stalk the object of their passion, or commit acts of violence.[3][6] According to J. Reid Meloy, "Violent behavior toward self or others as the denoument of unrequited love is as old as antiquity."[7]

Most obsessional stalkers who are not delusional had some type of a relationship with their victim (an ex-partner), and have personality disorders.[8][9]

Comparison

The term "obsessive love" may also be compared to other concepts:[10][4][11]

Mania love style

In the color wheel theory of love, mania is a possessive, dependent love style. A manic lover is insecure, jealous, and needs reassurances of being loved. A manic lover is unsure of who attracts them, so they may fall in love with somebody they don't even like and project unrealistic qualities onto them.[12][13] Among the other love styles, mania is most closely compared to eros, which is erotic love or love of beauty. An eros lover is also intensely preoccupied with their beloved, but they are self-assured. The eros lover is in search of an ideal, and they tend to fall in love with somebody more appropriate.[12][14][15]

Passionate love, romantic love or infatuation

Passionate love is the kind of love felt in the early stage of a relationship, or for a potential partner before a relationship has occurred (which can be unrequited).[16][17][18] Passionate love is a state of intense longing for another, which has an obsessional element characterized by intrusive thinking, uncertainty, and mood swings.[16][19] Passionate love is commonly contrasted with companionate love, the gentler feelings of affection or bonding which take more time to develop.[16][17]

Passionate love is a relatively broad concept which encapsulates and combines aspects of other more precise taxonomies, but while ignoring their finer distinctions (such as the distinction between eros and mania, which roughly correspond to passionate love when taken together).[20][16][19][21]

Limerence

Limerence is a love madness or all-absorbing infatuated love (comparable to passionate love), commonly for an unreachable person.[22][23][10][24] Limerence is said to be "a condition of cognitive obsession" where the person experiencing it spends much of their time fantasizing about their love object (called the "limerent object"), the kind of love Romeo and Juliet felt for each other.[25][23] Limerence can impact day-to-day functioning and mental health.[26]

According to the inventor of the term, Dorothy Tennov, limerence is supposed to be viewed as a normal state, and tragedies (e.g. violence or suicide) only seem to happen when limerence is "augmented and distorted" by other conditions.[27][28] Limerence is usually unrequited (resulting in a lovesickness which can be hard to end), but it can be reciprocated.[23][29][30] In cases of mutual limerence (as in Romeo and Juliet), according to Tennov's original theory, there must be obstacles to the relationship for the mutual preoccupation to intensify.[31]

Love addiction

Love addiction is a proposed disorder involving love relations characterized by severe distress and problematic passion-seeking despite adverse consequences.[32][33] Academics do not currently agree on when love is an addiction, or when it needs to be treated.[34]

Erotomania

Erotomania is a delusional disorder where the sufferer has a delusional belief that their love is reciprocated when it isn't (also called "de Clérambault's syndrome").[35][11] A subject with erotomania will invent reasons to explain or excuse rejections, however extreme, so they continue believing their love is (secretly) reciprocated.[35]

A related condition has been termed "morbid infatuation", where the sufferer does not believe their love is reciprocated, but still believes with a delusional intensity in the legitimacy and eventual success of their attempts to pursue a relationship (despite repeated rejections).[9][36] Both kinds of delusions are common among stalkers who did not have any relationship with their target.[9] A classification problem exists where morbid infatuations do not fall under a DSM erotomania diagnosis, because the DSM diagnosis was designed with features of de Clérambault's syndrome in mind.[9][36][35] Historically, the term "erotomania" also did not have a precise definition.[35]

Obsessive love disorder

"Obsessive love disorder" is an unofficial diagnosis commonly found online, but not in the DSM.[37][38]

Psychology

The problem with obsessive love is not so much a question of loving too intensely, but rather of anger over rejection, or feelings of abandonment.[39] Susan Forward states that in her practice, she found four conditions which helped clarify when somebody is suffering from obsessive love:[40]

  1. They must have a painful, all-consuming preoccupation with a real or wished-for lover.
  2. They must have an insatiable longing either to possess or to be possessed by the target of their obsession.
  3. Their target must have rejected them or be unavailable in some way, either physically or emotionally.
  4. Their target's unavailability or rejection must drive them to behave in self-defeating ways.
— Susan Forward, Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go

John Moore describes the process of those who "confuse love with obsession" as a cycle of four phases he calls the "Obsessive Relational Progression":[41]

  1. Attraction, characterized by an initial overwhelming attraction to a new person, unrealistic fantasies, an immediate urge to rush into a relationship, and the start of controlling behaviors.
  2. Anxiety, a turning point which usually occurs after a commitment has been made, where unfounded thoughts of infidelity, betrayal and fear of abandonment occur, resulting in mistrust, depression, anxiety, and the escalation of controlling behaviors.
  3. Obsession, when extreme behaviors begin to overwhelm, resulting in obsessive surveillance, stalking, and possibly violence.
  4. Destruction, where the partner flees the relationship.

Obsessive love may be related to the anxious attachment style.[42] The mania love attitude (for obsessive, dependent love) has been correlated with attachment anxiety, and also the personality trait neuroticism.[43][44]

The anthropologist Helen Fisher believed that "abandonment rage" (anger after a rejection) can be explained in terms of the frustration–aggression hypothesis, where rage is triggered when an expected reward is in jeopardy. Romantic love and rage are connected in the brain by similar circuitry; both involve arousal and energy production, and both drive obsessive focus and goal-directed behaviors. Fisher believed that ordinarily the evolutionary purpose of abandonment rage is to facilitate separation and the search for a new partner, although sometimes abandonment rage erupts into violence instead.[45]

Another feature of obsessive love is jealousy,[46] which seems to be related to OCD for its obsessional qualities and compulsive checking (for signs of infidelity). This can also take the form of pathological jealousy (or "Othello syndrome") where the sufferer has a delusional or paranoid belief in their partner's infidelity, despite actual evidence.[47] Jealousy is strongly associated with irritability, which can erupt into violence: spousal murder is often related to infidelity (real or suspected). It has been suggested that this seemingly self-defeating behavior of murdering one's own partner results from a kind of "brinkmanship", where a looming threat of violence is used to control women as sexual partners—a threat which sometimes (paradoxically) escalates into actual violence to be "credible".[48]

It is argued that non-pathological jealousy evolved as protection against reproductive competition, which is adaptive as long as it serves to maintain a relationship.[49]

Obsessive and harmonious passion

This section is an excerpt from Romantic love (mental state) § Obsessive and harmonious passion[ edit ]

Stalking

Love obsessionality can in some cases lead to stalking, although stalkers also often have other conditions.[11] Like falling in love, stalking is also described as a form of addiction.[50][51] A 1999 study by Paul Mullen and colleagues classified 145 stalkers according to several kinds of groups:[9]

  • Rejected ex-partners (41 of 145), who mostly had personality disorders, although 9 were delusional, 5 of whom had morbid jealousy. Rejected stalkers often had mixed desire for reconciliation and revenge, as well as frustration, anger, jealousy, vindictiveness, and sadness.
  • Intimacy seekers (49 of 145), who were attempting to establish an intimate relationship with their "true love", most of whom were delusional, and further classified as follows:
    • Those with erotomania (27 of 145), with a delusional belief their love was reciprocated.
    • Those with morbid infatuations (22 of 145), who did not believe their love was reciprocated but still believed a delusion of their eventual success.
    • Those who had personality disorders (7 of 145), but were not delusional.
  • Incompetent stalkers (22 of 145), who regarded their victims as attractive potential partners, but who were intellectually limited and socially incompetent instead of being infatuated.
  • The other 33 stalkers identified by the study had motives other than a relationship (e.g. broken friendships/family, sexual predation, or scaring a victim).

Limerence is another type of love obsession which is being compared to the others, but the motives and emotional foundations behind limerence are different from stalking.[11][52] A person in limerence hopes for mutual feelings, and their mood depends on whether their romantic interest seems to be returned, whereas the motive for stalking is to force contact, control or punish a victim for rejection. Limerence can cause distress if it becomes too intense, but it's also a feature of early-stage romantic love for many people.[11]

A preoccupation with the fantasy of a special and unique relationship with the object of one's love is normal in the early part of romance or infatuation; however, in the case of the stalker, where pathological narcissism is an issue, the humiliation of rejection is expressed through rage and pursuit of the victim.[51]

Neuroscience

This section is an excerpt from Biology of romantic love § Obsessive thinking[ edit ]
This section is an excerpt from Biology of romantic love § Reward, motivation and addiction[ edit ]
This section is an excerpt from Biology of romantic love § Addiction short[ edit ]

Cultural references

The ancient Greeks called obsessive love "theia mania" (the madness from the gods).[12] Greek mythology depicted it in stories such as Apollo and Daphne.[53]

Obsessive love has been depicted in the movies Fatal Attraction,[54] Play Misty for Me,[54] and Obsession,[55] the television series You,[37][56] and the novels Wuthering Heights[54][56] and The Phantom of the Opera.[56]

See also

References

  1. ↑ "Apollo Pursuing Daphne". https://www.thecollector.com/apollo-and-daphne/. 
  2. ↑ Grafton, Anthony; Most, Glenn W.; Settis, Salvatore (2010-10-25) (in en). The Classical Tradition. Harvard University Press. pp. 54, 55. ISBN 978-0-674-03572-0. https://books.google.com/books?id=LbqF8z2bq3sC. 
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 Forward & Buck 2002, p. 6–7, 10–12
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 Reis, Harry; Sprecher, Susan (2009). "Obsessive Love". Encyclopedia of Human Relationships. Sage Publishing. doi:10.4135/9781412958479.n379. ISBN 978-1-4129-5846-2. https://sk.sagepub.com/reference/humanrelationships/n379.xml. Retrieved 2025-07-20. "[M]uch like other forms of romantic love, [obsessive love] is accompanied by a motivation to approach a potential partner to fulfill needs for affiliation, closeness, intimacy, attachment, and sex; however, unlike other forms of love, obsessive love is marked by unequal commitment, lack of reciprocation, and repulsed approaches. Obsessive love is similar to infatuation, lust, a 'crush,' and limerence, all of which are viewed as an involuntary and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person." 
  5. ↑ Forward & Buck 2002, p. 9
  6. ↑ Millman 2002, pp. 67–68
  7. ↑ Cupach & Spitzberg 1998, p. 233
  8. ↑ "Profile of the Stalker". Campus Advocacy Network. University of Illinois at Chicago. http://www.uic.edu/depts/owa/stalking_profiles.html. 
  9. ↑ 9.0 9.1 9.2 9.3 9.4 Mullen, Paul; Path, Michele; Purcell, Rosemary; Stuart, Geoffrey (1 August 1999). "Study of Stalkers". The American Journal of Psychiatry 156 (8): 1244–1249. doi:10.1176/ajp.156.8.1244. PMID 10450267. 
  10. ↑ 10.0 10.1 Fisher, Helen; Aron, Arthur; Mashek, Debra; Li, Haifang; Brown, Lucy (October 2002). "Defining the Brain Systems of Lust, Romantic Attraction, and Attachment". Archives of Sexual Behavior 31 (5): 413–419. doi:10.1023/A:1019888024255. PMID 12238608. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1023/A:1019888024255. Retrieved 18 February 2024. "The attraction system is characterized by increased energy and focused attention on a preferred mating partner. In humans, the attraction system (standardly called romantic love, obsessive love, passionate love, being in love, infatuation, or limerence) is also characterized by feelings of exhilaration, 'intrusive thinking' about the love object, and a craving for emotional union with this partner or potential partner.". 
  11. ↑ 11.0 11.1 11.2 11.3 11.4 Bellamy, Tom (21 November 2025). "Does Limerence Lead to Stalking?". https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/everyday-neuroscience/202511/does-limerence-lead-to-stalking. 
  12. ↑ 12.0 12.1 12.2 Hatfield & Walster 1985, pp. 38–39
  13. ↑ Lee 1988, pp. 45–47, 51
  14. ↑ Lee 1988, pp. 42–43, 50
  15. ↑ Lee 1977, pp. 88–90
  16. ↑ 16.0 16.1 16.2 16.3 Hatfield, Elaine (1988). The Psychology of Love. Yale University Press. pp. 191–217. ISBN 9780300045895. https://books.google.com/books?id=0ZmURP07dsoC. Retrieved 2024-05-16. 
  17. ↑ 17.0 17.1 Langeslag, Sandra (2024). "Refuting Six Misconceptions about Romantic Love". Behavioral Sciences 14 (5): 383. doi:10.3390/bs14050383. PMID 38785874. 
  18. ↑ Berscheid, Ellen (2010). "Love in the Fourth Dimension". Annual Review of Psychology 61: 1–25. doi:10.1146/annurev.psych.093008.100318. PMID 19575626. https://www.annualreviews.org/content/journals/10.1146/annurev.psych.093008.100318. 
  19. ↑ 19.0 19.1 Acevedo, Bianca; Aron, Arthur (1 March 2009). "Does a Long-Term Relationship Kill Romantic Love?". Review of General Psychology 13 (1): 59–65. doi:10.1037/a0014226. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1037/a0014226. 
  20. ↑ Tallis 2005, pp. 47–48
  21. ↑ Lee 1998, p. 41
  22. ↑ Beam, Joe (2013) (in en). The Art of Falling in Love. Simon and Schuster. pp. 72, 75. ISBN 978-1-4516-7265-7. https://books.google.com/books?id=0jBi87OOUosC. 
  23. ↑ 23.0 23.1 23.2 Hayes, Nicky (2000), Foundations of Psychology (3rd ed.), London: Thomson Learning, pp. 457–458, ISBN 1861525893 
  24. ↑ Bellamy, Tom (13 September 2025). "Obsessive love explained". https://livingwithlimerence.com/obsessive-love-explained/. 
  25. ↑ Tennov 1999, p. 23, 33, 57
  26. ↑ Chong, Elaine (2021-02-13). "When you can't quit a crush" (in en-GB). The Guardian. ISSN 0261-3077. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/feb/13/when-you-cant-quit-a-crush. 
  27. ↑ Tallis 2005, p. 43
  28. ↑ Tennov 1999, pp. 7, 89–90, 180
  29. ↑ Tennov 1999, pp. 129, 133
  30. ↑ Tennov 1998, p. 79
  31. ↑ Tennov 1999, pp. 44–45, 56–57, 129
  32. ↑ Bolshakova, Maria; Fisher, Helen; Aubin, Henri-Jean; Sussman, Steve (2020-08-31). "Passionate Love Addiction: An Evolutionary Survival Mechanism That Can Go Terribly Wrong". in Sussman, Steve. The Cambridge Handbook of Substance and Behavioral Addictions (1 ed.). Cambridge University Press. pp. 262–270. doi:10.1017/9781108632591.026. ISBN 978-1-108-63259-1. https://www.cambridge.org/core/product/identifier/9781108632591%23CN-bp-20/type/book_part. Retrieved 2025-06-12. 
  33. ↑ "Is love passion an addictive disorder?". Am J Drug Alcohol Abuse 36 (5): 261–7. 2010. doi:10.3109/00952990.2010.495183. PMID 20545601. 
  34. ↑ Earp, Brian D.; Wudarczyk, Olga A.; Foddy, Bennett; Savulescu, Julian (2017). "Addicted to Love: What Is Love Addiction and When Should It Be Treated?" (in en). Philosophy, Psychiatry, & Psychology 24 (1): 77–92. doi:10.1353/ppp.2017.0011. ISSN 1086-3303. PMID 28381923. 
  35. ↑ 35.0 35.1 35.2 35.3 Tallis 2005, pp. 162–167
  36. ↑ 36.0 36.1 Mullen, Paul E.; Pathé, Michele (November 1994). "The Pathological Extensions of Love" (in en). British Journal of Psychiatry 165 (5): 614–623. doi:10.1192/bjp.165.5.614. ISSN 0007-1250. https://www.cambridge.org/core/product/identifier/S0007125000073177/type/journal_article. 
  37. ↑ 37.0 37.1 Ingle, Rhiannon (2025-04-28). "Psychologist reveals what they’d actually diagnose Joe Goldberg with as You season five leaves Netflix viewers confused" (in en-GB). https://uk.style.yahoo.com/psychologist-reveals-d-actually-diagnose-153452432.html. 
  38. ↑ Shah, Yusra (2024-11-01). "Obsessive Love Disorder: Definitions, Causes, Treatment" (in en-US). https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/what-is-obsessive-love-disorder. 
  39. ↑ Millman 2002, p. 67
  40. ↑ Forward & Buck 2002, p. 6
  41. ↑ Moore 2010, pp. 131–136
  42. ↑ Derrow, Paula (20 January 2014). "When Normal Love Turns Obsessive". Cosmopolitan. https://www.cosmopolitan.com/entertainment/celebs/news/a5382/when-normal-love-turns-obsessive/. 
  43. ↑ Karandashev, Victor (December 2022). "Adaptive and Maladaptive Love Attitudes". Interpersona: An International Journal on Personal Relationships 16 (2): 158–177. doi:10.5964/ijpr.6283. https://interpersona.psychopen.eu/index.php/interpersona/article/view/6283. 
  44. ↑ Hendrick & Hendrick 2006, p. 156
  45. ↑ Fisher 2004, pp. 164–168
  46. ↑ Forward & Buck 2002, p. 9
  47. ↑ Tallis 2005, pp. 209–211
  48. ↑ Tallis 2005, pp. 210, 212–213
  49. ↑ Tallis 2005, pp. 200–201
  50. ↑ Donatella Marazziti; Valentina Falaschi; Amedeo Lombardi; Francesco Mungai; Liliana Dell’Osso (2015-01-01). "Stalking: a neurobiological perspective". Rivista di Psichiatria (2015Gennaio-Febbraio). doi:10.1708/1794.19528. https://doi.org/10.1708/1794.19528. 
  51. ↑ 51.0 51.1 Meloy, Jr; Fisher, H (2005-11-01). "Some Thoughts on the Neurobiology of Stalking" (in en). Journal of Forensic Sciences 50 (6): JFS2004508–9. doi:10.1520/JFS2004508. ISSN 0022-1198. https://dl.astm.org/jofs/article/50/6/JFS2004508/23279/Some-Thoughts-on-the-Neurobiology-of-Stalking. 
  52. ↑ Madigan, Nicole (2025-11-29). "‘Desire in one of its rawest forms’: what do we know about limerence?" (in en-GB). The Guardian. ISSN 0261-3077. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/nov/29/limerence-meaning-overwhelming-infatuation-desire-mental-health. 
  53. ↑ "When Eros Met Psyche: Types of Love in Ancient Greece". 12 February 2025. https://www.archaeological.org/when-eros-met-psyche-love-in-ancient-greece/. 
  54. ↑ 54.0 54.1 54.2 Millman 2002, pp. 67, 74
  55. ↑ Reilly, Kaitlin (2026-07-10). "‘Obsession’ ending explained: The shocking twist, who dies and whether a sequel is coming" (in en-US). https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/movies/article/obsession-ending-explained-the-shocking-twist-who-dies-and-whether-a-sequel-is-coming-234315311.html. 
  56. ↑ 56.0 56.1 56.2 Nyffenegger, Dawson (2025-03-17). "The 10 Best Novels to Read if You Love 'You'" (in en). https://collider.com/novels-like-you/. 

Bibliography

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